A year ago I sat where I sit now with a drawer of lighters and sharp things next to me. Today I sit writing it all down. I never thought I’d make it but I did. I’m glad I did.
I’m not saying I’m better because I’m not. I still get sad. I still suffocate myself in the smoke and drown in alcohol. But I’m getting there. I can look in the mirror without crying or screaming. I can feel things without physically ripping myself open.
It does get better. It just doesn’t get fixed. You’ll always be a little sad. And that’s okay. Because if you dispose of all the bad people and things in your life and stop listening to what everyone else is shit talking about you, you’ll start to love yourself.
Listen to what they say and be amused that they waste their each breathe counting down your death on someone as complicatedly beautiful as you. Relate biology to you and everyone you love. Think of the time he or she made you turn pink when they slid their hand up your shirt and the time they held your face like they were going to kiss you. Turn as pink as the peach you’re eating.
When you start to lose that confidence again, turn on the most positive song you now and strip naked and dance. Even if you’re terrible. You’ll feel better.
Tell the person you love how you feel. You’ll never know how they feel if you don’t. You won’t regret it when you’re 30 with a child running up and down the slide, you won’t even think of it. Know you were too good for everyone who left it’s their fault. you won’t remember them when you’re 29.
Break a ton of hearts you won’t remember when you’re 28.
When you start to think about that huge fight with your mom and she slapped you, push it out of your head. She still loves you, she never stopped. She just wants what’s best for you.
Go to bed. They’re not going to respond. And if they do you’ll have something to look forward to in the morning.
Don’t get upset when you flunk that exam, you won’t remember a year from then. It’s okay to miss a homework assignment. Stop worrying about what teachers say because they don’t know shit about what you’ve been through. High school won’t effect you’re life the way they say it will.
When they tell you they’re not over you. Walk away. You left for a reason.
Wear what you want. Do your makeup how you want. Wear black makeup. Wear glasses. Wear a crazy outfit to school and when people ask why tell them it’s because YOU like it.
Be obnoxiously funny in public. People don’t care and you’ll feel happy. Decide instantly whether to smoke that joint someone handed you at a concert. Either way, the next day, you’ll wake up the same person. Get drunk and tell them you miss them. If they don’t reply shrug it off. They aren’t worth it.
Cut all your hair off even if you have a second thought. It’ll grow back and sometimes a change just feels good.
Eat an entire pizza. Go to bed happy with a full tummy. When you start to think of the calories in that pizza, eat some ice cream.
Lay in bed all day. You’ll be up all night but at least you will be well rested for Monday morning.
Be as tough as nails. Don’t smile in the grocery store. Never let anyone see you cry. But be as sweet as a rainy Sunday morning under the confider on your bed. Just do what you want and stop listening to the people who are trying to fucking crush you because they think they’re getting somewhere. In the end you’re the one with a future. If you don’t you’ll wish you did.
You’re the only one who can help you recover. Because everyone else is only supporting you because they know it’s the right thing to do, they are selfishly nice to you for all the wrong reasons.